feelings, woe, woe, woe, feelings…
Grief is such an odd thing. I used to apply it only to death, but I’ve learned that grief is really a process that applies to a lot of life’s situations. We all experience loss in our lives ~ it may take on many forms, but remain, nonetheless, a loss. I am grieving the loss of many, many things this evening. I think I’ve been trying to grieve for these things for some time now, but haven’t allowed myself to just simply feel what it is that I am feeling. That’s what feelings are ~ that’s what feelings need. They need to be felt. I fear I’ve been in a rush to move through the process, in order to avoid the deep pain. But, first, I must feel the pain ~ I must be okay with that. I must admit that this Sucks, with a capital “S”, and I must allow myself to just feel the wave of emotions that grieving these losses brings. Then, and only then, will I be able to move on. And, as sad as this makes me, it is time to move on. So, tonight begins the hard work of just accepting the feelings as they come ~ whenever that is, and whatever form they take ~ and allowing myself to just experience them for what they are. Did I mention the capital “S”? Yeh, this just Sucks.
sink or swim or maybe just float…
Rick wrote a blog today that a comment of mine apparently prompted (http://rickdancer.com/news/2008/03/29/the-secret-to-staying-afloat#comment-86). His blog reminded me of something amazing I witnessed at camp one time (before I lived there), down by the river (no van) when the salmon were spawning. First of all, just the fact that the salmon spawn in the manner that they do is amazingly spiritual to me ~ I think it’s that whole “returning to from whence they came” (yes, bad grammar, I know…) instinct thing. Just to think about it is amazing, but when you actually see it, well, it takes on a whole new meaning, which is exactly what it did for me one day almost six years ago. I had traveled up to camp (in the foothills of Mt. Hood) from Southern Oregon, where I was living at the time, for a meeting. Considering the travel time (5+ hours) and the mid-morning start time for the meeting, I had arrived at camp the night before, so I had some time to kill that morning. I walked down to the banks of the river near the fire circle ~ there was some heartache in my life at that time so, naturally, I was drawn back to that place that had been a comfort and solace to me in my youth. It was a beautiful early September morning and I decided to sit out on “my” rock for a time of silent prayer. While I sat on that rock in quiet meditation, I heard a splashing near my feet. I tried very hard to ignore it ~ silent anything is very hard for me, so when I feel committed to it, I really try to honor it. I wanted to remain on that rock, eyes closed, heart open, and ears listening for God. But all I kept hearing was that splashing. Finally, I had to look. It was a salmon ~ a big salmon! ~ right there at my feet, in the water, trying incredibly hard to navigate upstream against a current that was literally tearing her up. There were huge chunks of her skin (scales?) missing, and she just looked old, tired, and worn. I could sooooo relate. I was instantly mesmerized. I watched in silence as she held her own against the current, occasionally even making some head way, only to lose any ground gained when she would stop fighting long enough to attempt to regain her strength. It was truly a “one step forward / two steps back” kind of a thing. She would push and fight, moving forward inch-by-unnoticeable inch, and then, swoosh, be swept five or six feet back downstream when her energy gave out. Occasionally, she would turn and swim downstream, full force with the current for about ten or fifteen feet. She would then turn on a dime, and plow back up against the water, and back near my feet, finally surpassing my rock by six or so inches after her third or fourth try. I stood up and cheered - literally. I found myself pulling for this fish with all my heart! When I stood and glanced upstream in the direction she was heading, I saw smooth, calm, clear, still waters just a few short feet away. ”She is soooooo close!” I remember thinking. Smooth sailing (no pun intended) was just ahead and she was so close to rest, so close to a respite from her struggles. That little pool of water may have even been her spawning ground - her destination! She was so close, but she didn’t know it. But beyond that, she didn’t care - she continued to swim; she continued to fight that current; she continued to work. Instinctually, she knew what the task at hand was, and she knew her pre-destined role was to complete that task. As I continued to watch her work, I found myself wanting to reach into the current, pick her up, and gently place her just five feet upstream into the calm waters. I actually even tried a couple of times, but I fell woefully short, and I am sure I looked woefully ridiculous even trying! It wasn’t long before I found myself wondering if God feels like that when we, His children, are struggling against the current. Does He see the still waters just upstream, and long to pick us up and gently place us there where we can find some rest? I believe He does ~~ but more than that, I believe He sees and understands that He cannot (or rather maybe I should say “should not”) do for us what it is that we are destined to do for ourselves, for in our doing, do we not become who we were created to be and do we not accomplish what it is that we were created to accomplish? I saw myself in that fish that day. I felt the force of the current pushing me backwards, tearing at my flesh, keeping me from my purpose. I felt God’s presence watching over me, cheering me on, and longing to help. I sensed the closeness of the still, calm waters. I couldn’t see them yet, but I knew they were nearby ~~ and they were. And, I need to remember now that they are nearby once again. Some days I’ll need to swim upstream, against the current, and on others, I’ll need to do as Rick suggested and just float. But either way, I need to remember from whence I came ~ the heart of my God. When I return there, all is as it supposed to be.
i can do all things…
With Duke out, this is now my favorite part of the Madness this year…..http://sports.espn.go.com/ncb/ncaatourney08/columns/story?columnist=whelliston_kyle&id=3319896&lpos=spotlight&lid=tab1pos1
addition and subtraction…
I recently read that Meister Eckhart, a 14th century Christian mystic, once said that the spiritual life is not so much a process of addition as a process of subtraction. (The Clearing Season, by Sarah Parsons, p. 84). I really resonate with that thought. I’ve spent the last six weeks moving through The Clearing Season, Parsons’ Lenten study, and I’ve learned a lot about myself. Eckhart’s quote seems to sum it up well: the more I’ve let go, taken away, and removed, the closer to God I feel I’ve grown and the more I’ve learned about myself. My Lenten journey began oddly ~ it (the season, not the journey) has ended oddly as well, but I am taking some new insights, some new knowledge, and some new levels of faith into whatever journey is up next for me. I’ve spent six weeks subtracting distractions in order to add insight, knowledge, and depth to all aspects of my life. I’m not sure what’s next, but, for tonight at least, I feel at peace. What a gift.
perception is everything now isn’t it?
I think on-stage nudity is disgusting, shameful and damaging to all things American. But if I were 22 with a great body, it would be artistic, tasteful, patriotic and a progressive religious experience. - Shelley Winters
i make me laugh…
When the Detective in the movie, “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” asks the sexpot, Jessica Rabbit, what a “dame” like her sees in a rabbit like “that”, she replies simply (but in that sultry, throat-y way that ONLY Kathleen Turner can pull off), “He makes me laugh.” I love that line. I love to laugh. I find laughter sexy, appealing, and desirable. I love to be around funny people - - and, there are a LOT of EXTREMELY funny people in my family and my circle of friends. Some have said of my family, “Wow - you gotta have game to be in a room with these people!” It’s true - we are damn funny folks! My friends are some of the funniest (smart funny - not stupid-bathroom-humor funny) people around. I just love funny people. And, I repeat, I love to laugh. I read something today about laughter that struck me…the writer intimated that, when she realizes she is laughing at a shortcoming of hers, she also then realizes she is ready to learn from that shortcoming, ask God to remove it, and then move on from it too. She says it like this: ”Sometimes the sign that I have actually gotten humble enough to ask [God] to remove a shortcoming is that I can laugh about it. Suddenly, a past action or decision of mine seems ludicrous and I can stop taking myself so seriously. When this happens, I realize that [God] has lessened the impact of another shortcoming. Real change often announces itself to me in the form of a belly laugh.” Later in the same passage, she continues, “Because I am willing, I am freer to learn from all of life’s lessons, not just the ones that hurt.” How many times in my own life have I said, “Someday I will look back on all this and laugh!”? I wonder how many lessons have I missed; how many opportunities to not repeat mistakes have I forgone; how much more anguish have I brought upon my own life because, at all those moments, I wasn’t willing to laugh right then and there? Paul wrote a lot about the deep, abiding joy in knowing, and serving, Jesus. While I believe that happiness is truly circumstantial, true joy is deeply-rooted, and transcends our circumstances. As I read today, I realized that I needed that reminder. I need to laugh at my mistakes and my shortcomings. I need to remember that “when we know better, we do better”. (Either Maya Angelou or Iyanla VanZaant said that - I can never remember which one of them!) I need to cut myself some slack in regards to my screw ups. In doing that, I can get out of God’s way, and let Her take those screw ups away. And, I can be more at home in the joy that is in my heart, as opposed to the happiness that either is, or isn’t, in my life at that moment.
i hate roller coasters…
Most people can’t believe it when I tell them that. I have the personality that one would think belongs to a person who would absolutely LIVE for the thrill of the ride. Couldn’t be further from the truth for this girl. I can’t stand ‘em - scared to death of them. In fact, the only thing that scares me more than those kinds of rides are em - eye - cee - ee. (Yes, I don’t even like to say the word - it gives me shivers.) I was tricked into riding Space Mountain at Disneyland in 1977, and haven’t had the desire to get on another roller coaster since. Actually, I didn’t have the desire then - note that I said I was “tricked into riding” it! Anyway, I don’t like ‘em. I’ve been comparing my life lately to a roller coaster ride. Hmmmm ~ maybe that should give me just a little more insight into how I am really feeling about things these days.
the pulse of god…
I go to the sea, for there, at peace, my soul converges with its source and turns its touch from earthly care and feels the pulse of God. One of my favorite authors and artists is Robert Sexton (www.robertsexton.com). My mother introduced me to his works, and I am not sure how she found him, but we love him. The above text is my favorite of all of his writings. I soooooooo feel that way about the sea. I am so at peace there ~ so at home ~ so at rest. I’ve felt that way about the ocean for as long as I can remember going to the ocean. I never understood why I felt so at home there - I just always did. Then, I read Robert’s writing (funny ~ that quote was the first thing of his I’d ever read ~ it was like my finding him was meant to be.) and I had words for my heart. ”My soul converges with its source, and turns its touch from earthly cares and feels the pulse of God.” That is exactly it. No matter what is going on in my life, the ocean reminds me from whence I came, from whom I came, and that there is a God whose pulse is as big and powerful as the ocean’s waves. On our many trips to the Oregon coast when I was a little girl, my father and I would climb (and climb and climb and climb!) the rugged rocks that make our coastline so majestically beautiful. One time in particular stands out for me ~ I don’t remember where we were, or even how old I was, but I remember what my Daddy said to me as we stood, hand-in-hand, looking down from our rock upon the waves of the mighty Pacific. ”They say, ” he told me, “you could light the world if you could harness the power of the ocean.” I am not even sure why that made sense to me, but it did. I didn’t know who “they” were, but my father was (is) one of the smartest people I know and if what “they” said impressed him, then it impressed me. But more than that, I did understand it ~ I grasped the concept of equating the ocean’s might with enough energy to light the world, and I’ve always remembered that. When I read Robert Sexton, that concept took on new life and meaning for me. I believe that God is the source of my life, and I feel the absolute closest to God when I am at the beach. [Sidebar: As I read The Shack ~ which if you haven’t, you should ~ recently, I kept saying to myself that, if I was having an encounter with the Trinity like the one chronicled in the book, the setting would be at the beach. Simply put, God is at / in / present on the beach for me.] I had lunch on the beach today, just me and Bindy (the dog) and God. Bindy ran and ran and ran and ran, chasing seagulls out into the water (the gulls - not Bindy. The waves scare her!), and I sat on the rocks just south of Depoe Bay and watched and laughed and cried and chatted it up with God. There were more tears than laughter ~ things have not been smooth sailing (in keeping with the nautical theme of this post) in my life as of late ~ and a lot of questions, most of which did not require an answer, but only to be verbalized. It was very healing, and very peaceful, and I left with a perspective that has been lacking in my soul for a long, long time. I think being absolutely present with God (or should I say being aware that I am absolutely present with God) does that, at least it does for me. More often than not lately, the figurative waves have been sweeping over my soul, pulling me under, and carrying me out to sea. Today the literal ones gently carried me back ~ back into God’s arms, back close to God’s heart, where, once again, I could feel its pulse and know that peace is just a moment or two away.
it appears as though the gloves are off…
…in my political party’s (now literal) “fight to the finish”, and I just have to publicly express how incredibly discouraged I am. I was reading on 360’s blog (CNN / Anderson Cooper) last night and someone mentioned how ironic it was that everybody says they’re going to run a positive campaign, but when it turns negative, they say they have to do that to win? They all say they’re going to be “different” but then the “same old game” has to be played in order for their campaign to work - - why? I don’t get it ~ when are we going to see that we are better ~ and deserve better ~ than this? I’ve made no secret of the fact that I am an “Obama Mama”, but I’ve always been a fan of Hillary as well. I was a fan of President Bill. Husband Bill pissed me off, but hey - he’s not my husband, so I figured it was none of my business really. But President Bill did a great job for our country, in my opinion (and since this is my blog, this gets to be my opinion!) I think Hillary would make a great President. I just don’t think she’ll get there this time around. I believe that any Clinton is still considered too polarizing a figure and, therefore, is not electable this fall. And, if by chance they were to be (elected), our country would continue on it’s divisive, “red state and blue state” ways…and I don’t believe that is good for, nor do I want that for, this country that I love. Soooo, that (among many other things) makes Obama my candidate. I think he’ll do a great job as President. I truly do want him answering that phone at 3:00 a.m., and I think he is our best shot at bridging the great gap that exists in our government today. I have no doubt that Hillary would try hard to do the same thing. I just believe (again, my blog = my beliefs!) that she can’t, and truly, through no fault of her own. All that said (and sorry that this is all running together - we’re trying to get a formatting / paragraph thing worked out here on “On the journey….”), I am incredibly saddened by the turn the Democratic campaigns have taken in these last weeks. I didn’t appreciate the afore-alluded to “3:00 a.m.” commercial. I appreciated even less my candidate’s response ad. ”The kitchen sink” strategy, no matter how effective, disgusts me. For God’s sake, they’ve had 20 debates ~~ TWENTY!!! ~~ we don’t have to throw kitchen sinks! Hasn’t the record voter turn out shown all the campaign managers that, in addition to being completely OVER this current administration, America is DONE with “the same ol’ same ol’”? We want change. We need change. We believe our future, and the futures of our children and grandchildren, and their children and grandchildren depends on it. We believe the future of our planet depends on it. We believe the future of the greater global community, the lives of our brothers and sisters who share this planet with us, depend on it. Taking off the gloves, and either starting, or joining, the fight is not change. It is not what either candidate promised to us, and I cannot overstate how much I believe that this is NOT the route the Democratic party needs to take to get to November. Put the gloves away - go back to talking about the issues, and go back to working on defeating John McCain in November. We want change, and, yes, we can get it - but a house divided….well, you know the rest.
speaking softly…
I am going back to work full time next week - yep, turn out the lights, the party’s over. Sigh. Actually, this isn’t a bad thing at all. 1 - It is just hard to raise a family on even two salaries these days, let alone one and a half. Throw in a couple of kids in college and it is impossible. 2 - I truly do find I get more done when I have more to do. i think a lot of us are like that. Today, I knew I was off all day and I had all day to accomplish the tasks on my list. Some of them are still undone and, what am I doing? I am sitting at the computer, typing away as the dust bunnies taunt me in the afternoon sunlight. If I’d been working today, I can almost guarantee I would have my list completely crossed off. When I know I only have x amount of time to get x number of things done, I typically get them done. 3 - After five years at camp, anything less than a 60 hour work week still feels like part time…and, with my new (second) job, I will only be working 40 hours each week. 4 - My life isn’t what it was when I moved here to Mac. I had a plan (school full time, work part time), and a road map (I’ll make this much money, pay these bills off, take these classes on these days, graduate by this date and be teaching by that one), and all that is changing. Funny how that happens. I’m still going to school - in fact, I have an appointment w/ an advisor next week. Its just going to take a little bit longer than I thought, as I will be going part time again, at least until I get all the basic stuff (those freshman / sophomore year) classes out of the way, and rather than a four year Elementary Ed degree, I am actually considering a Bachelors in something else, and pursuing my Masters in Education upon completion of that. I’m really loving being back in church ministry, and truth be told (which is always a good idea!), I am trying to listen very intently to God right now and discern whether or not I am being called to further my education the ministry direction in addition to (or maybe even as opposed to) teaching. Basically, am I being called to be the Reverend Barbara Galbraith? Or, even better, the Reverend Dr. Barbara Galbraith? Scary stuff…but I am just listening right now. Sometimes God speaks so softly….