friends are friends forever ~~ but i need her now…
I had one of those “once in a lifetime” kind of friends in my best friend, Shauna. I am still sad and angry that that “lifetime” turned out to be relatively short. I was reminded of all those feelings recently upon hearing someone speak about walking with a friend at the end of that friend’s lifetime. For me, the sadness, anger, and confusion that death brings, would come right alongside this incredible feeling of unexplainable gratefulness that I’d ever even had such an extraordinary person in my life in the first place. It was the oddest, oddest thing I’ve ever moved through. I remember so clearly the literal wave of emotion that overtook me when I left Shauna’s side for the last time. I walked out of that room knowing that I would never see her again in this life; that the words we’d shared, the sentiments we expressed, and the love we had for each other, would never ever ever again, in this life, be spoken of together, friend-to-friend. It was so FINAL….and I was so inconsolable. I do not like final. I do not like not having choices. I do not like being hopeless. And, at Shaua’s bedside that day, I was hopeless. I was not void of hope for Shauna - I have a firm faith in the belief that this life is not all that there is. I was hopeless for me; hopeless for ever sharing that kind of relationship with another human being again; hopeless for future moments which would certainly been shared with Shauna; hopeless for a peace and a knowledge of who I would turn to when the waves came crashing down; hopeless for a best friend - a true, true, true best friend, in the true, true, truest sense of the word. I cannot even begin to describe how much I miss my friend these days. If I could describe it, it would sound selfish and self-centered…because it is. I miss my friend. I miss her so much right now. Always, but especially right now. My worst bedside fears are coming true…I am hopeless about where to turn for what I know would have been given by Shauna without me ever having to articulate a need for it. If she were here, she would instinctually know what I need. I should be thankful - and I am - that I had that friendship for even a short amount of time. It’s just that when you know how incredibly awesome and special something is, it makes it all the harder to not have it when you really need it. And I really need it right now.
April 13th, 2008 at 7:03 am
Barb, Jane Cookson, from my website really wants to get a hold of you.
April 13th, 2008 at 12:42 pm
Barb………I asked Rick last night for your blog address as I couldn’t find it. I did a new search again just now and you popped up. I see Rick sent you the message too. I’m happy to connect with you.
I’m sorry for your loss. Remember that all you need around you is in your life right now. Ask for what you need and you’ll receive it. Wow………you’re a Baptist? I was raised Conservative Baptist and wish I’d been raised in YOUR church. My church was very hell, fire, and brimstone…….not loving and accepting of all. I’m glad we’ve connected. Possibly I have something to learn from you.
April 13th, 2008 at 3:46 pm
Rick - thanks for directing Jane my way.
Jane - nice to “meet” you. I look forward to learning more about you. I’ve seen some things you’ve written on Rick’s blog.
My church is pretty great - I’ve only been there for a few months but the Pastor and I have been friends for several years. The church of my formative years was very open and accepting too, so I do feel as though I’ve come home. It is a great place. I don’t know where you are from, but if you are ever in our neck of the woods, we’d love to hae you visit.